Second guessing…

As I ponder the realativities of life and love and completion of assignment papers, I wonder if I have presented myself correctly. I wonder if I really know what I am getting myself inot with wanting to do mission development? Am I crazy, or truly gifted? Do I really want to put myself and my family out there on the line and risk everything for the sake of the call? Can I really do this thing anyhow? I mean really in the whole grand scheme of things who am I?
As I prepare for the first call process and await the coming of what the Holy Spirit has for me and my family, I am confident that the Spirit will move through the process and bring me to the place I need to be. Yet in my humanness I am struck by the fact that I am so insecure in my own abilities that I am having a hard time letting go and completely trusting in the process. I mean really who am I to think I am being called to mission development? Who am I to think that I can go out and start a congregation from the ground up? There are so many things I do not know, and do not have the gifts for…
My pastor told me tonight that I should listen to my wife, and follow her lead in this process, as she probably understands my gifts and sees how I have grown and trusts that I am able to do this. I want to cling to that which I have known, and not venture out to where I am the one to use the gifts and talents given by God to do that to which God has called me.
It is easy to say we trust in God. It is easy to say that Jesus Christ died for you and you are saved by Grace through Faith becaise of Christ’s faithfulness to go to the cross. It is quite another thing to accept that same grace for yourself, and to fully trust that God has brought you to this place and will give you the neccessary tools to see you through to the other side. God will not let us down, but sometimes it is hard to truly make this our own. It is easy to say it to others, and to believe it for them, but quite another to bring it to heart in your own life, and to accept that you are accepted and forgiven, and gifted by God to go and to do.
Why do I second guess myself so much? Why do I look for the affirmation that I am where I need to be, when I can look at my children and see the love that God has for me? When I can see the support that my wife gives me, even when she is left with all the house work for days on end, as I try to keep up with class work? Why can I not see the signs all around me of the wonderfulness of God that shines on me everyday and keep questioning my call, and keep second guessing where I need to be, or if I presented myself correctly?
So many things happen because they happen, and it is not because we did nto do our best, ir give it our best, or wrote the right thing in the paper work, but it happened because it happened…