It seems like every time I turn around…. There I go again saying something that sounds a lot worse than I meant it to be. I just seem to live with my foot in my mouth, too bad it has not stopped me from eating!
Like tonight for instance, I was trying to find one of my daughters’ cups, and was not having any luck, and said under my breath “if this place wasn’t so frickin messy.” To which my wife replied, “WHAT?” Which I passed off. Now she is all pissed at me because she is probably thinking, I say probably because she is not talking to me, that I think she does not do enough all day around the house, and that it is her fault that the house is always a mess.
Well it is not her fault, if it is anyone’s fault it is mine. I’m the one who doesn’t do anything around the house all day. All I seem to do is get in the way when things are being done. What I meant by that statement was more I wish I was there to help. Or helped while I was there. I have really been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my life and where I am suppose to be in my life. I really do not know if they are the same. It seems things are happening that are really good, but the dark clouds are looming in the distance, the storm is a brewing and it does not look good. I really feel like something is wrong and I do not know what to do about it. I really wish I was more thoughtful and helpful, that I did not seem to always be putting my wife down. She is the love of my life, the woman I fell in love with the moment I first saw her, even in that split second, chance non meeting. She fills my soul with laughter, and makes me bubble over with joy when I’m in the same room with her. I always want her with me, and she is trying so hard to make this internship work, and to be a part of this congregation, and it seems I can not stop screwing things up. She is so wonderful and kind and generous with everything she does, and is truly the better half of me, and I can not seem to not make her feel like the lowest thing on the face of the earth. I wish she knew how much I love her; I wish I had the words to express what my life would be like if she was not in it. I truly do not know where I would be without her in my life. I can almost assuredly say it would not be here, where I am today. Sometimes I wish I was somewhere else, in some other time, or some other place, and then I realize I would not be able to see her, or hold her, or smell her… I need her in my life, and I love her so much. Why do we hurt the ones we love, why is it we trample those who treat us the best, and seem to just take take take, and never give in return. I hate myself for the way I treat her, I only hope she can forgive me for being who I am and still love me. It is not her fault; it is my fault that I’m an ass. Please love the one you love and do not let yourself get in the way. My darling Little Angel, I love you, and know you are doing the work of a thousand people by raising our children to be darling little angels. Please forgive me for the stupid things I say and do, know that I love you more than you will ever know, and cherish the time we have together, even though it does not always seem like it. I am trying to be a better husband, father, friend… Do not give up on me. I need you. You truly do complete me, and make me a better person. I love you. I’m sorry. Your Big Teddy Bear
aSacredRebel 